A sexologist and psychotherapist tells the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
Increasing power or where does "male power" go?
The Internet and television are flooded with advertisements for "miracle" pills and potions that promise to restore "male power" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And the offer, as we know, comes from the demand. What happened - why did men "spoil"? Have the internet and social networks turned out to be "more interesting" than living women? Or perhaps women themselves are to blame for the fact that their gentlemen have less and less desire to be a man, as well as the desire to satisfy this desire?
A well-known sexologist-psychotherapist answered these and other questions to our correspondent.
If a man is not interested in a particular woman and sex life in general, he leads to impotence. . . It's right?
- The term "impotence" is excluded from the world classification of diseases and replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". However, the word "helplessness" is indeed still common in everyday life. The literal translation means "no power". For men, this is a very significant area of life. And if there are failures, in almost all cases, regardless of the main reasons, there is also a mental component. Men see only the symptom, the result. And they refer to the loss of an erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, as a rule, an emotional component joins these complaints. A man can have anxiety and even depression. Whatever women think of men, in fact, they all want to be successful not only at work, but also in personal life.
Now there is a lot of talk about "getting younger" helplessness. Is that so?
- I have 16 years of practice in the profession and I can rely not only on statistics, but also on my observations. In fact, in the last 10 - 15 years, we can see a decrease in the average age of our patients. More and more young people participate. At the beginning of my career the average age of the patients was 40, now it is 35.
When a man "cannot and does not want to", what is to blame in the first place: physiology, psychology, or perhaps social factors?
- There is usually no single reason. When I communicate with a patient, I try to understand his lifestyle: how are his emotions, does he sleep enough, does he have a midlife crisis? What are his attitudes in the intimate sphere, what is the partner's behavior? After all, for example, a woman who cannot seduce, but only requires the fulfillment of "marital duty", is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Often in practice there is an anxious expectation syndrome of sexual failure. In this state, a man solves the bankruptcy, and the next time he is already waiting for it. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman voluntarily or involuntarily "adds fuel to the fire", a sexual neurosis is formed. And the man turns to "avoidant behavior". Some run into work or alcohol. Some - subconsciously provoke quarrels with the wife, so that the idea of intimacy seems absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different paths instead of going to the doctor. And it aggravates the problem and relationships with one partner, the wife. And he's not far from divorce. Some go to a urologist because of illiteracy, but it is necessary - to a sexologist.
Can't "you" or "I don't want to"?Women are often tormented by a question: what is more important: "I can't" or "I don't want to"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other - you can "not want" and "not able" at the same time. But it is important to remember that an erection is, first of all, a clear indicator of "I want" and "I can't". But even this "desire" is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual constitution, that is, on a man's temperament.
Is it true that men themselves often do not notice the problem or even accuse the woman of wanting "too much" from him?
- You can ask for compliments and eroticism from a man, for example, kisses, gentle caresses. And the erection does not obey the will. Neither the will of a woman, nor the will of a man. As soon as the word or thought "should" arises, this is the beginning of the road to a dead end.
More and more often they talk about the impact of stress on a modern man: is it really that terrible for the intimate sphere?
- Of course. Nature is against conception in a stressful situation. And it reduces the degree of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels rise: The level of the anti-stress hormone prolactin rises and, in turn, suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, the disactivation of the sexual sphere occurs.
The main woman is the mother.They say a man's ability to "be a man" depends on his upbringing and the type of relationship he has with his mother - is that true?
- No doubt! The first prototype of a woman for a boy is a mother. It is she who lays the foundation for relationships with the opposite sex. Any woman who wishes her happiness for her child, especially a boy, should breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. It is during this period that a positive and negative, open or suspicious attitude towards the female sex is formed. Mother is first of all a woman. And if the family is not complete and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, the child will see neither female nor male behavior as a result. . . And as a result, her experience of communicating with the opposite sex can be negative. And this is a direct path to isolation, to disappointment. . . Furthermore, isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can endlessly change partners, remaining alone. In sexology, this is called promiscuity, that is, promiscuity without the ability to establish deep emotional relationships. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations require thorough study.
What are the most common mistakes made by mothers who raise males?
- The boy must see an example of male behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. In the end there are the uncles, the grandparents. But ideally, of course, there should be a father that the boy's mother loves. Excessive protection, pressure, imposition are dangerous. They are filled with the aspect of childish and feminine behavior in a teenager.
Getting married - just for love! Some women are obsessed with their looks and go out of their way to please their husbands. And some stop taking care of themselves, focusing everything on the family, on the children. Perhaps in general a woman behaves so "wrong" that her man simply loses interest in intimate life?
- Much depends on a woman, both in a positive and negative sense. For example, you can show up in front of your husband in messy clothes, scold him for sexual failure (although, come to think of it, it's not really his failure, but his), not support him, but humiliate him and "run away" with words and all your behaviors, and here is the result: he doesn't want anything! Therefore, to young women who come to visit me, I constantly say: "Marry for love, respect your man, praise him - and he will move mountains for you! " Clean appearance, good physical shape, perfume, grooming are always a plus. But some women's panic obsession with their appearance is already a problem with a woman's self-esteem and her relationships with others. After all, if people are only attracted to each other by their bodies, this is a "castrated" version of human love. There must be a desire of souls, people must be interested together not only in bed, but also outside it.
These "terrible" business women. Does it happen that a socially successful woman does not attract, but scares a man? After all, where do the armies of beautiful, intelligent and successful women who suffer from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- It's not about success, it's about role models. If a woman in a competitive environment starts using male role models, for example she becomes assertive, tough, and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, then masculine or, more simply, "brave" men do not like them. Feminine - more "feminine" (these are the so-called "sissy"), such a model may seem attractive, as they are used to obeying.
Take care of the men! If a woman is ready to fight for her man her, for her family happiness, how should she behave when her husband has problems in bed?
At the very least, you have to let him sleep. Completely stop any criticism, even what a woman may consider constructive. Ask forgiveness for past wrongs. To say that she doesn't need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And against this background - daily relaxing massages with oils. And you have to do them one by one. If there is no positive dynamics in this context, you should definitely go to a sexologist, who can find both medical and psychological hidden reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the man that at the reception there will be no search for "guilty" and "sick". Meetings with a doctor are necessary to improve the quality of your sex life - and this is possible!
Is there an example from your practice when a woman helped a man to gain self-confidence, in every sense?
- I'll tell you about my recent patient's wife. Her behavior is fantastic! I was approached by an entrepreneur who had suffered a lot in the new economic conditions. Many problems fell upon him, and in the midst of the stress, a decrease in attraction for his wife began. But most of all he was concerned about how he would tell her that, perhaps, soon he could lose his business completely and they would be left with no money and large debts. . . But his wife was used to a high standard of living. . . I advised her to tell her everything there is. If not a close person, who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not disappoint me. The patient at the next appointment reported that his wife listened to him and said, "Okay, if that happens I'll go to work too. And anyway, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love you now and I will always love you. , whatever happens. From these words alone, the man had strength, the panic vanished and his business improved - in every sense. On his last date, he said to me: "I will never leave my wife - I will remember this. day for a lifetime! "I think this woman deserves her love for her. And I'm calm about their relationship. I want people to love each other more, appreciate each other, respect each other, support each other. And that these were not words, but facts.